Time to Be Honest Part 3

Something big has happened.


It happened the first Friday of April…so I guess that would have been April 2^nd.

Wow, I can’t believe it has been over a month already! I wish I would have written this down a lot earlier. Details and accuracy would have been better, but I guess this is how Nessa rolls…in procrastination. 

“A month till what?” one might ask.  Well let me tell ya.

I was really sick. Sick of feeling this way. Hopeless…pointless.  Read my last two posts. I wasn't the happiest camper.  I lay in bed not being able to sleep.  How was this gonna be fixed? As the minutes passed, I kept feeling guiltier and more sick of myself.


What was my problem and why couldn’t I get better spiritually?

My attitude was getting in the way of a relationship with my Saviour. It was getting in the way of those that I loved. I was bitter. I was angry…and I was TIRED of it…but I didn’t know what to do! Finally, I was encouraged to get off my butt and do something…so I did. I rolled out of bed and walked into my mom’s room. With tears in my eyes I collapsed in her bed and started to weep.

I cried to her how tired I was of NOT being happy. I had no joy. I had no faith. I was scared.

A lot of what was said and done that night is pretty much a blur to me now, but I know what the results were. 

My main problem was my faith.  For so long I had believed a lie that it seemed to be the truth.  I was dealing with believing the FACT of Hebrews 13:5.  I firmly believed that Christ forsook me when I needed Him most.   It was fact to me.  It was exactly what I felt. It made sense to me.  But I was wrong.

That night my mom and I raked over my salvation.  It was tough, but necessary. I prayed long and hard. My mind was so confused, my heart so stressed and heavy laden.  I knew that if I wasn’t saved, there was a bigger issue that had to be dealt with besides the fact that I didn’t have faith that God never left me.   For a long time I prayed that God would reveal to me my eternal standing.   I prayed for peace if to come if my salvation wasn’t the core of the problem, but I also prayed for conviction if I never really was a child of His.

He answered my prayer. 

Peace

Now I had to deal with my faith issue.  My mother read Scripture to me about the goodness of God. I lay their listening….thinking…

My mom explained to me that Christ NEVER left me. It didn’t make sense at all. BUT HE DID!!! This was where my issue was…I had a faith issue.  I no longer believed that Christ loved me. I no longer believed He cared. This made me miserable…lonely.

I knew what I had to do. I had to repent of my sin of unbelief.  I do not know how to adequately describe it, but I seriously was scared to do so.  I felt like I was just setting myself up for failure again. I was going to trust Him and He was going to leave me again….

…but I was soo tired of being this way.  For about an hour I lay in my mother’s bed quietly telling myself that He loved me. That he never left me.

He never left you.

He never left you.

He NEVER left you.

It felt soo foreign in my mind.  I literally felt like I was telling myself a lie.

Then I started thinking about what this must look like in the eyes of my Saviour.  Here was one of His children, of who He became man and died for, having the hardest time telling herself the fact that HE LOVED HER! 

Each stripe across His back was a flesh engraved message of His love for me. 

My feelings became dim in the light of my sin of unbelief.  How I must have been hurting my Saviour!

That night I decided to take a leap of faith and repent of my sin of unbelief.

Best thing I’ve done in years.

That night was the first night I actually went to bed with tears of joy instead of tears of pain and confusion.  

Now, I won’t lie and say everything is perfect now, but everything is  a whole lot better!


When one has believed a lie for so long, it is easy to go back to it and claim it again as truth.


When something goes wrong, or if I’m not feeling right, I can get pretty down in the mouth.


But that night I made a choice. 

I decided I would believe that God loves me and will never forsake me.  Do I understand it? Does it make sense to me? Nope. But I believe it cuz my God said it. 

For me, this isn't easy. Its a daily battle. 

God has been so good to me.  I didn’t deserve another chance.

He Restored My Soul.

Time to Be Honest Part 1

It’s been almost a year since I’ve written anything on this blog.

A year…

Its been an amazingly awful year. That’s why I haven’t written anything.

I’m tired now. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid of people’s judgments. They don’t matter anymore. Right now, if they are going to judge, I just want them to know why they are. I want them to know who they are judging.

Hello. My name is Vanessa. A day before I turned 21 I went to a naturalist who puts you on a machine that reads and balances the energies of your body. That day I was diagnosed with having 2 types of micro-parasites. This infestation was not caught on early in the stages of parasitic growth. Several weeks before, I was showing symptoms of depression and very dramatic behavior. I would constantly argue with my parents. I would hide In my room. I would cry.

Vanessa didn’t cry.

I would easily be offended. I didn’t like people. I hated my job. I never smiled. Migraines assaulted me constantly. I couldn’t eat. I wouldn’t eat. It hurt. I starved myself, and when I ate I tried to throw up my food. I cried. When I ate, I ate chocolate and Mt. Dew. It made me feel better.


One of my friends was very concerned about my situation and how this was affecting my health, so she made an appointment for me to go see this health naturalist.

That day when I left the office, I wasn’t relieved. I wasn’t happy. I was mad and confused. I remember leaving the office on my way home. All I could do was cry. Initially, I didn’t want to go home. I told my friend not to take me back. I didn’t want to go back. It was a Wednesday so I would be going straight to church. I would have to paste on a smile and act like everything was okay, when everything was NOT okay.

She took me home.

After the services I got to explain to my parents what my diagnosis was. They were happy and were ready to get me on the parasite medication, so their Nessa would return back to normal.

Normal has yet to happen.

I honestly wish that I would have grabbed the name of these two parasites that scarred my body the summer of ’09, but I don’t have their names. I just remember the damage.

I wish I could tell you how it felt to have these creatures terrorizing your body, but first let me tell you where they were.

My brain. Yeah, that was fun. I was going crazy. Its not quite the most secure situation to be in. Ya know that verse “thou shalt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee.”? Well, I had NO peace. I had the attention span of drunk gnat with ADD. When I wasn’t working, I was in bed. Or crying. Parasites in the brain keep you awake when you want to sleep. I dealt with insomnia and night terrors. It was embarrassing to wake up in the middle of the night and have to crawl into your parents bed because you were scared. Scared that you were going to die from this. Scared it was never going to end.

Oh, they just weren’t in my brain, though. I also had them in my colon my kidneys, liver, and gallbladder. I guess they kind of shifted around in my body. When one area of your body is fighting against it, they go to a place of least resistance. I’m glad they never found my heart.

I only got sick in the heart spiritually.

I had to quit my job because I was too sick, even though I was killing the bugs. I acted like it was funny how I probably contracted parasite via working with money, but during those months when I felt worthless as a human, those weeks when I couldn’t get out of bed, those days where I knew it wasn’t going to be better, I contemplated killing myself. I had no fear of dying. I knew that there was a home for me in Heaven.

But I knew better.

But I still had pain.

Trying to eat to live, and then having your body lock up and not being able to move because of pain moved me psychologically to stupid. Yeah. I admit it. Stupid. I would get soo stressed and so depressed I would try to cut myself. Not the best spiritual move ever. I will say God protected me though. Almost every time when I got to that breaking point and tried to “let it out of me” He broke the tool which I tried to use to do the damage.

Yeah. He kept me safe.

For that I’m forever thankful.

Late June, I believe, I started getting better. Signs of the parasites were getting fading. Something was still wrong though. Why was I so tired? Why was I still feeling cruddy? And WHY was in sooo much pain!?

After much testing (clinical(baaahaa! don't get me started on that!) and natural), I found out that the parasites left damage. My liver was pretty much toxed (a new word I created) out. My gallbladder was inflamed, the duct wasn’t opened all the way, and it was trying to pass stones (henceforth the pain). My thyroid was hyperactive and I had contracted a strain of Lyme’s disease. REALLY? So this meant another several weeks on my back and a new daily ritual of medication. YAY!

Well, after several months of this, I was finally done. During that time I lost about 40lbs of fat and almost 100% of my faith. No. I didn’t lose all of it, silly. But I was pretty much wasted Spiritually.

Now, this is where many start judging me. I’ve heard it all. And, sheesh, I would probably have said the same thing to myself 3 years ago when I was “going strong!”. But that’s not the case. What is the case? Well, I’ll put it as quickly and as straight as possible. I was sick. I felt alone. I was bitter at first, but when I finally realized I need to “cast all my care upon Him because He cared for me” He wasn’t there for me to cast it on Him. I prayed. He didn’t answer. I read His Word. It was dead to me. So, yeah. He wasn’t there for me.

Now, Vanessa, you KNOW that’s not true! Well, it probably isn’t, since I believe God’s Word is true, and it says “He will never leave me nor forsake me”. But at the time, it didn’t feel true, nor does it now.

This is where FAITH is key, and right now I don’t have any. It was stripped from me, or I really didn’t have enough of it.

I know. I see the title of my blog. "He Restoreth my Soul"... He will....just not yet...

I’m tired now. I think I will go to bed.