Something big has happened.
It happened the first Friday of April…so I guess that would have been April 2nd.
It happened the first Friday of April…so I guess that would have been April 2nd.
Wow, I can’t believe it has been over a month already! I wish I would have written this down a lot earlier. Details and accuracy would have been better, but I guess this is how Nessa rolls…in procrastination.
“A month till what?” one might ask. Well let me tell ya.
I was really sick. Sick of feeling this way. Hopeless…pointless. Read my last two posts. I wasn't the happiest camper. I lay in bed not being able to sleep. How was this gonna be fixed? As the minutes passed, I kept feeling guiltier and more sick of myself.
What was my problem and why couldn’t I get better spiritually?
My attitude was getting in the way of a relationship with my Saviour. It was getting in the way of those that I loved. I was bitter. I was angry…and I was TIRED of it…but I didn’t know what to do! Finally, I was encouraged to get off my butt and do something…so I did. I rolled out of bed and walked into my mom’s room. With tears in my eyes I collapsed in her bed and started to weep.
I cried to her how tired I was of NOT being happy. I had no joy. I had no faith. I was scared.
A lot of what was said and done that night is pretty much a blur to me now, but I know what the results were.
My main problem was my faith. For so long I had believed a lie that it seemed to be the truth. I was dealing with believing the FACT of Hebrews 13:5. I firmly believed that Christ forsook me when I needed Him most. It was fact to me. It was exactly what I felt. It made sense to me. But I was wrong.
That night my mom and I raked over my salvation. It was tough, but necessary. I prayed long and hard. My mind was so confused, my heart so stressed and heavy laden. I knew that if I wasn’t saved, there was a bigger issue that had to be dealt with besides the fact that I didn’t have faith that God never left me. For a long time I prayed that God would reveal to me my eternal standing. I prayed for peace if to come if my salvation wasn’t the core of the problem, but I also prayed for conviction if I never really was a child of His.
He answered my prayer.
Peace
Now I had to deal with my faith issue. My mother read Scripture to me about the goodness of God. I lay their listening….thinking…
My mom explained to me that Christ NEVER left me. It didn’t make sense at all. BUT HE DID!!! This was where my issue was…I had a faith issue. I no longer believed that Christ loved me. I no longer believed He cared. This made me miserable…lonely.
I knew what I had to do. I had to repent of my sin of unbelief. I do not know how to adequately describe it, but I seriously was scared to do so. I felt like I was just setting myself up for failure again. I was going to trust Him and He was going to leave me again….
…but I was soo tired of being this way. For about an hour I lay in my mother’s bed quietly telling myself that He loved me. That he never left me.
He never left you.
He never left you.
He NEVER left you.
It felt soo foreign in my mind. I literally felt like I was telling myself a lie.
Then I started thinking about what this must look like in the eyes of my Saviour. Here was one of His children, of who He became man and died for, having the hardest time telling herself the fact that HE LOVED HER!
Each stripe across His back was a flesh engraved message of His love for me.
My feelings became dim in the light of my sin of unbelief. How I must have been hurting my Saviour!
That night I decided to take a leap of faith and repent of my sin of unbelief.
Best thing I’ve done in years.
That night was the first night I actually went to bed with tears of joy instead of tears of pain and confusion.
Now, I won’t lie and say everything is perfect now, but everything is a whole lot better!
When one has believed a lie for so long, it is easy to go back to it and claim it again as truth.
When something goes wrong, or if I’m not feeling right, I can get pretty down in the mouth.
But that night I made a choice.
I decided I would believe that God loves me and will never forsake me. Do I understand it? Does it make sense to me? Nope. But I believe it cuz my God said it.
For me, this isn't easy. Its a daily battle.
God has been so good to me. I didn’t deserve another chance.
He Restored My Soul.
