“Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshipped, And said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD.”
Job 1:20-21
I honestly can’t believe that this weekend marks four years since my “Bobbie” passed away. Has it only been four years? It seems like much longer since I last talked to him on the phone. It seems a lot longer since I last heard his big brother voice commanding me to have mom and dad call him back before I forgot…again. It seems longer than four years since I told him that of course I would…and that I loved him.
What makes me smile is to think that to Kevin, it probably seems like he has only been in the presence of his heavenly Father for but a few moments. He’s possibly still in the initial “shock and awe” of it all. I’m sooo jealous of and sooo happy for my big brother because he’s finally HOME. He’s no longer has to suffer on this earth in his feeble body! I can only imagine what glories he is experiencing! Blessed be the name of the Lord!
Right now, I miss my Bobbie…a lot. But I’m thankful for what the Lord gave me. God provided the love, protection, and care that, I, as a lil’ girl needed through her big brother. He supplied me with a brother that gave the encouragement and the listening ear that I needed during my teen years. For what the Lord gave me through my brother, I am thankful, and undeserving! Blessed be the name of the Lord!
Finally, I’m also thankful that in Christ…there are no goodbyes.
Its been quite a while since I posted anything up here. Its not that I don’t have the time, or that I don’t think about it…it’s that I honestly am not comfortable with posting about some of the things I’ve been going through.
I just wanted to do a quick post to try to get my thoughts focused on what’s right. :o)
I’m thankful for my best friend. His name is Jesus. I don’t always show how much I’m thankful for Him, but He still likes to hang around even though I act like a moron most of the time.
We’ve all probably heard about Him, but I actually got to meet Him about ten years ago. At the time I didn’t know exactly how great of friend He was going to be to me, but He’s been the best one I’ve ever had! (and let me tell ya, I’ve had quite a few since!)
Sometimes I get confused about who my friends are by how much they talk to me, hang out with me, text me, or email me. I get disappointed when I don’t get talked to a lot, but that’s when I forget about Jesus. Nah, he doesn’t text me, but how many friends have you had that writes a whole BOOK for you? That’s pretty cool. :o)
Jesus loves to listen to me talk to Him and He NEVER interrupts. When I’m wrong, He is not afraid to be honest with me, no matter how much I might not like it at the time. It gets rough sometimes, but always worth sharing my heart with Him in the end.
What makes Him such a good friend is His unconditional love for me. It really doesn’t make sense. I’ve tried it on other friends, but being me I just end up feeling hurt. I’m glad Jesus doesn’t let His feelings get in the way. He did some pretty awesome stuff for me. If He had let His feelings get in the way, I’m sure I would be in destruction right now.
I know I hurt His feelings when I take time away from us.
I’m a hypocrite.
I get upset when my other friends make promises to spend time with me or say they are going to do stuff with me, but I don’t think twice about it when I do it to Jesus. I’m sure I hurt His feelings when I leave Him hanging, but He’s always there for me when I come back.
I love to sing about Jesus!
He loves to hear me!
He loves it when I smile…and when I think about Him… I smile too. :o)
I hope He smiles when He thinks of me…
Thank you, Jesus, for being my best friend. Your Nessa doesn't deserve you.
My mom and I are completely opposite in so many ways. It’s almost laughable! Almost…
As of late, I’ve often find myself wishing my mother’s endearing qualities had passed a little bit stronger to me, but in this case, no such luck.
If anyone is around my mother for long, they cannot dismiss the fact that when she does anything, for her family or for her Saviour (see mom, I spelled Saviour with a “u”!) her perfectionism reveals itself. I used to think of her perfectionism as “revealing its ugly head” because perfectionism requires time and patience. Ugh…patience- a trait that I used to find as endearing to practice as first year violin...blah. But now, as I see what redeeming qualities it actually holds, I do see it as something uniquely beautiful.
It makes her even more beautiful.
God gets all the glory out of the work my mother does. She knows, understands, and appreciates the life God has saved her from. Her love for her Saviour isn’t just shown through the words she speaks, but through her actions and the spirit of her actions. This is a magnificent picture of Christ to me, because this was how His love was demonstrated for all of us. It wasn’t just shown by the words He preached, but by the action of His dying for you and for me. He did it in love. It took time. It took unbelievable sacrifice. It was the ultimate sacrifice.
My mom dies all the time too. She dies to self. That is what patience and perfectionism requires, and it really is what God requires of all His saints.
I Corinthians 10:31 “Whether therefore you eat, or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.”
Thank you, mom, for being this shining example to your daughter. I really covet the ease you have of putting the cloak of selflessness on. I love you much.
Today I had a really good day, so I’m kind of hesitant to do a blog post, cause they usually end up being really deep and well, deeeeep. Thought I was going to say depressing, eh? ;o) lol
Alas, all good things must come to end, right? *Whoever said that was a die-hard pessimist. Bleck*
Well, what is going through this lil head of mine? Well...what photo equipment I should get…the soon to be visit of my dearest nieces and nephew...if my new wheel covers will stay on all summer... if my garden is going to survive my inexperienced TLC.
Okaaaay…maybe “what going through this lil head of mine” was the wrong question. How about “what’s laying heavy on my heart right now?”
Umm…really? That was a loaded question. What isn’t laying on my heart right now?
God has been so good to me, yet I feel that despite His goodness, I seem to never be able to express any adequate proportions of gratitude in my life, whether it be via actions or thoughts of praise and worship.
Talk about selfishness…
Hmm…is that what I really want to talk about right now- my pride and selfishness? Eh…no. Not really. Not only cause it hurts and takes a lot of deep self-examination, but because I don’t understand it all…but it is weighing heavy on my heart. I want to understand it.
One of the things that really weighs heavy on my heart, right now, is my walk with Christ, and my testimony- what it was and what it is now. I know, quite a broad topic, but a topic I don’t go a day without thinking about.
Maybe that is my problem. I keep looking back, and its keeping me from going forward. I constantly get disappointed in myself-and not in the constructive way.
Not only do I deal with my own disappointment, but with the failing of expectations others have in me.
How do I know they are disappointed in me?
Some things are just obvious.
How does a child know they are in trouble? It could be in a look they are given. It also could be in the tension in the air, or even in verbal reproof.
This is how I know.
Again, should this concern me?
I should be learning to deal with Someone else’s disappointments, and judgments on my life.
Not my own.
Not other’s.
But Christ’s.
Does He constantly compare me to what I was a year and a half ago to what I am now?
Isaiah 43:25
“I, even I, am he that blotteth out thy transgressions for mine own sake, and will not remember thy sins.”
Well, this explains He will not remember my sins, but I don’t know if this exactly answers my question.
I don’t think God is in the business of constantly comparing, so neither should I.
I should not compare myself to what other’s are, what other’s want me to be, what I “was” or what I want to be.
I John 3:19-21
“And hereby we know that we are of the truth, and shall assure our hearts before him. For if our heart condemn us, God is greater than our heart, and knoweth all things. Beloved, if our heart condemn us not, then have we confidence toward God.”
Hmmm….
I guess, my focus is all wrong.
Obviously.
There is only one whose opinion of myself that I should be concerned to live by. If I live by it, it shouldn’t really matter then what me, myself, I, and others think.
That one is God.
What does God compare me to?
Himself.
Where does that put me?
Romans 3:23
“For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;”
It puts me with everyone else…short of God’s glory.
Two years ago, I was short of God’s glory.
Still am today.
No matter which way I look at it, I will ALWAYS be short in comparison.
But God is still good to me.
I should do what He wants me to do.
Romans 13:11-14
“The night is far spent, the day is at hand: let us therefore cast off the works of darkness, and let us put on the armour of light. Let us walk honestly, as in the day; not in rioting and drunkenness, not in chambering and wantonness, not in strife and envying. But put ye on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof.”
I just need to keep going on. Stop comparing and realize I just need to keep oressing on.
Galatians 5:1
“Stand fast therefore in the liberty wherewith Christ hath made us free, and be not entangled again with the yoke of bondage.”
It happened the first Friday of April…so I guess that would have been April 2nd.
Wow, I can’t believe it has been over a month already! I wish I would have written this down a lot earlier. Details and accuracy would have been better, but I guess this is how Nessa rolls…in procrastination.
“A month till what?” one might ask. Well let me tell ya.
I was really sick. Sick of feeling this way. Hopeless…pointless. Read my last two posts. I wasn't the happiest camper. I lay in bed not being able to sleep. How was this gonna be fixed? As the minutes passed, I kept feeling guiltier and more sick of myself.
What was my problem and why couldn’t I get better spiritually?
My attitude was getting in the way of a relationship with my Saviour. It was getting in the way of those that I loved. I was bitter. I was angry…and I was TIRED of it…but I didn’t know what to do! Finally, I was encouraged to get off my butt and do something…so I did. I rolled out of bed and walked into my mom’s room. With tears in my eyes I collapsed in her bed and started to weep.
I cried to her how tired I was of NOT being happy. I had no joy. I had no faith. I was scared.
A lot of what was said and done that night is pretty much a blur to me now, but I know what the results were.
My main problem was my faith. For so long I had believed a lie that it seemed to be the truth. I was dealing with believing the FACT of Hebrews 13:5. I firmly believed that Christ forsook me when I needed Him most. It was fact to me. It was exactly what I felt. It made sense to me. But I was wrong.
That night my mom and I raked over my salvation. It was tough, but necessary. I prayed long and hard. My mind was so confused, my heart so stressed and heavy laden. I knew that if I wasn’t saved, there was a bigger issue that had to be dealt with besides the fact that I didn’t have faith that God never left me. For a long time I prayed that God would reveal to me my eternal standing. I prayed for peace if to come if my salvation wasn’t the core of the problem, but I also prayed for conviction if I never really was a child of His.
He answered my prayer.
Peace
Now I had to deal with my faith issue. My mother read Scripture to me about the goodness of God. I lay their listening….thinking…
My mom explained to me that Christ NEVER left me. It didn’t make sense at all. BUT HE DID!!! This was where my issue was…I had a faith issue. I no longer believed that Christ loved me. I no longer believed He cared. This made me miserable…lonely.
I knew what I had to do. I had to repent of my sin of unbelief. I do not know how to adequately describe it, but I seriously was scared to do so. I felt like I was just setting myself up for failure again. I was going to trust Him and He was going to leave me again….
…but I was soo tired of being this way. For about an hour I lay in my mother’s bed quietly telling myself that He loved me. That he never left me.
He never left you.
He never left you.
He NEVER left you.
It felt soo foreign in my mind. I literally felt like I was telling myself a lie.
Then I started thinking about what this must look like in the eyes of my Saviour. Here was one of His children, of who He became man and died for, having the hardest time telling herself the fact that HE LOVED HER!
Each stripe across His back was a flesh engraved message of His love for me.
My feelings became dim in the light of my sin of unbelief. How I must have been hurting my Saviour!
That night I decided to take a leap of faith and repent of my sin of unbelief.
Best thing I’ve done in years.
That night was the first night I actually went to bed with tears of joy instead of tears of pain and confusion.
Now, I won’t lie and say everything is perfect now, but everything is a whole lot better!
When one has believed a lie for so long, it is easy to go back to it and claim it again as truth.
When something goes wrong, or if I’m not feeling right, I can get pretty down in the mouth.
But that night I made a choice.
I decided I would believe that God loves me and will never forsake me. Do I understand it? Does it make sense to me? Nope. But I believe it cuz my God said it.
For me, this isn't easy. Its a daily battle.
God has been so good to me. I didn’t deserve another chance.
So…where did I leave off last night? I just told ya’ll where it all started right?
So where am I now? I don’t know…but at the same time I think I do know. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? lol!
This post might be little bit shorter because, frankly, my dear, I’m disappointed in myself. Somehow I’ve let the trials and tribulations that I’ve gone through, make me less of a person for Christ. I always hear stories of people who have given praises and did not lose their joy when they went through their refining fire.
Obviously, I’m not one of those people. I guess I could have been. I did try. There were times when I thought I was doing okay, but evidently it wasn’t real because it didn’t last. I’m disappointed with myself, and I feel like a failure of a Christian.
At least I’m being honest about myself and the state where I am, right? My honesty is right now pushing people away. Right now, I do not feel the rewards of being honest about my spiritual state. I feel like being hypocritical is the path of least resistance.
Least attention.
Least disappointment.
But I can’t. Even with the pull of fulfilling the hypocritical Christian walk, something within me says that is not the way to deal with this situation. One my friends has encouraged me to be honest in EVERYTHING. If I pretend, I will fool others, but I will also fool myself, and the situation will not get better. I need to be painfully conscience of my patheticness.
My friend also said that God will get the most glory out of my situation when people see where I’ve been and what HE has done. I do want God to get the glory out of this. I know He will…and I want Him to get all of it. Others who watch won’t know what God has done if they don’t know where I was. He will pull me out of this miry clay. He WILL restore my soul.
