So…where did I leave off last night? I just told ya’ll where it all started right?
So where am I now? I don’t know…but at the same time I think I do know. DOES THAT MAKE ANY SENSE? lol!
This post might be little bit shorter because, frankly, my dear, I’m disappointed in myself. Somehow I’ve let the trials and tribulations that I’ve gone through, make me less of a person for Christ. I always hear stories of people who have given praises and did not lose their joy when they went through their refining fire.
Obviously, I’m not one of those people. I guess I could have been. I did try. There were times when I thought I was doing okay, but evidently it wasn’t real because it didn’t last. I’m disappointed with myself, and I feel like a failure of a Christian.
At least I’m being honest about myself and the state where I am, right? My honesty is right now pushing people away. Right now, I do not feel the rewards of being honest about my spiritual state. I feel like being hypocritical is the path of least resistance.
Least attention.
Least disappointment.
But I can’t. Even with the pull of fulfilling the hypocritical Christian walk, something within me says that is not the way to deal with this situation. One my friends has encouraged me to be honest in EVERYTHING. If I pretend, I will fool others, but I will also fool myself, and the situation will not get better. I need to be painfully conscience of my patheticness.
My friend also said that God will get the most glory out of my situation when people see where I’ve been and what HE has done. I do want God to get the glory out of this. I know He will…and I want Him to get all of it. Others who watch won’t know what God has done if they don’t know where I was. He will pull me out of this miry clay. He WILL restore my soul.
Right?
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Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Time to Be Honest Part 1
It’s been almost a year since I’ve written anything on this blog.
A year…
Its been an amazingly awful year. That’s why I haven’t written anything.
I’m tired now. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid of people’s judgments. They don’t matter anymore. Right now, if they are going to judge, I just want them to know why they are. I want them to know who they are judging.
Hello. My name is Vanessa. A day before I turned 21 I went to a naturalist who puts you on a machine that reads and balances the energies of your body. That day I was diagnosed with having 2 types of micro-parasites. This infestation was not caught on early in the stages of parasitic growth. Several weeks before, I was showing symptoms of depression and very dramatic behavior. I would constantly argue with my parents. I would hide In my room. I would cry.
Vanessa didn’t cry.
I would easily be offended. I didn’t like people. I hated my job. I never smiled. Migraines assaulted me constantly. I couldn’t eat. I wouldn’t eat. It hurt. I starved myself, and when I ate I tried to throw up my food. I cried. When I ate, I ate chocolate and Mt. Dew. It made me feel better.
One of my friends was very concerned about my situation and how this was affecting my health, so she made an appointment for me to go see this health naturalist.
That day when I left the office, I wasn’t relieved. I wasn’t happy. I was mad and confused. I remember leaving the office on my way home. All I could do was cry. Initially, I didn’t want to go home. I told my friend not to take me back. I didn’t want to go back. It was a Wednesday so I would be going straight to church. I would have to paste on a smile and act like everything was okay, when everything was NOT okay.
She took me home.
After the services I got to explain to my parents what my diagnosis was. They were happy and were ready to get me on the parasite medication, so their Nessa would return back to normal.
Normal has yet to happen.
I honestly wish that I would have grabbed the name of these two parasites that scarred my body the summer of ’09, but I don’t have their names. I just remember the damage.
I wish I could tell you how it felt to have these creatures terrorizing your body, but first let me tell you where they were.
My brain. Yeah, that was fun. I was going crazy. Its not quite the most secure situation to be in. Ya know that verse “thou shalt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee.”? Well, I had NO peace. I had the attention span of drunk gnat with ADD. When I wasn’t working, I was in bed. Or crying. Parasites in the brain keep you awake when you want to sleep. I dealt with insomnia and night terrors. It was embarrassing to wake up in the middle of the night and have to crawl into your parents bed because you were scared. Scared that you were going to die from this. Scared it was never going to end.
Oh, they just weren’t in my brain, though. I also had them in my colon my kidneys, liver, and gallbladder. I guess they kind of shifted around in my body. When one area of your body is fighting against it, they go to a place of least resistance. I’m glad they never found my heart.
I only got sick in the heart spiritually.
I had to quit my job because I was too sick, even though I was killing the bugs. I acted like it was funny how I probably contracted parasite via working with money, but during those months when I felt worthless as a human, those weeks when I couldn’t get out of bed, those days where I knew it wasn’t going to be better, I contemplated killing myself. I had no fear of dying. I knew that there was a home for me in Heaven.
But I knew better.
But I still had pain.
Trying to eat to live, and then having your body lock up and not being able to move because of pain moved me psychologically to stupid. Yeah. I admit it. Stupid. I would get soo stressed and so depressed I would try to cut myself. Not the best spiritual move ever. I will say God protected me though. Almost every time when I got to that breaking point and tried to “let it out of me” He broke the tool which I tried to use to do the damage.
Yeah. He kept me safe.
For that I’m forever thankful.
Late June, I believe, I started getting better. Signs of the parasites were getting fading. Something was still wrong though. Why was I so tired? Why was I still feeling cruddy? And WHY was in sooo much pain!?
After much testing (clinical(baaahaa! don't get me started on that!) and natural), I found out that the parasites left damage. My liver was pretty much toxed (a new word I created) out. My gallbladder was inflamed, the duct wasn’t opened all the way, and it was trying to pass stones (henceforth the pain). My thyroid was hyperactive and I had contracted a strain of Lyme’s disease. REALLY? So this meant another several weeks on my back and a new daily ritual of medication. YAY!
Well, after several months of this, I was finally done. During that time I lost about 40lbs of fat and almost 100% of my faith. No. I didn’t lose all of it, silly. But I was pretty much wasted Spiritually.
Now, this is where many start judging me. I’ve heard it all. And, sheesh, I would probably have said the same thing to myself 3 years ago when I was “going strong!”. But that’s not the case. What is the case? Well, I’ll put it as quickly and as straight as possible. I was sick. I felt alone. I was bitter at first, but when I finally realized I need to “cast all my care upon Him because He cared for me” He wasn’t there for me to cast it on Him. I prayed. He didn’t answer. I read His Word. It was dead to me. So, yeah. He wasn’t there for me.
Now, Vanessa, you KNOW that’s not true! Well, it probably isn’t, since I believe God’s Word is true, and it says “He will never leave me nor forsake me”. But at the time, it didn’t feel true, nor does it now.
This is where FAITH is key, and right now I don’t have any. It was stripped from me, or I really didn’t have enough of it.
I know. I see the title of my blog. "He Restoreth my Soul"... He will....just not yet...
I’m tired now. I think I will go to bed.
A year…
Its been an amazingly awful year. That’s why I haven’t written anything.
I’m tired now. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid of people’s judgments. They don’t matter anymore. Right now, if they are going to judge, I just want them to know why they are. I want them to know who they are judging.
Hello. My name is Vanessa. A day before I turned 21 I went to a naturalist who puts you on a machine that reads and balances the energies of your body. That day I was diagnosed with having 2 types of micro-parasites. This infestation was not caught on early in the stages of parasitic growth. Several weeks before, I was showing symptoms of depression and very dramatic behavior. I would constantly argue with my parents. I would hide In my room. I would cry.
Vanessa didn’t cry.
I would easily be offended. I didn’t like people. I hated my job. I never smiled. Migraines assaulted me constantly. I couldn’t eat. I wouldn’t eat. It hurt. I starved myself, and when I ate I tried to throw up my food. I cried. When I ate, I ate chocolate and Mt. Dew. It made me feel better.
One of my friends was very concerned about my situation and how this was affecting my health, so she made an appointment for me to go see this health naturalist.
That day when I left the office, I wasn’t relieved. I wasn’t happy. I was mad and confused. I remember leaving the office on my way home. All I could do was cry. Initially, I didn’t want to go home. I told my friend not to take me back. I didn’t want to go back. It was a Wednesday so I would be going straight to church. I would have to paste on a smile and act like everything was okay, when everything was NOT okay.
She took me home.
After the services I got to explain to my parents what my diagnosis was. They were happy and were ready to get me on the parasite medication, so their Nessa would return back to normal.
Normal has yet to happen.
I honestly wish that I would have grabbed the name of these two parasites that scarred my body the summer of ’09, but I don’t have their names. I just remember the damage.
I wish I could tell you how it felt to have these creatures terrorizing your body, but first let me tell you where they were.
My brain. Yeah, that was fun. I was going crazy. Its not quite the most secure situation to be in. Ya know that verse “thou shalt keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on thee.”? Well, I had NO peace. I had the attention span of drunk gnat with ADD. When I wasn’t working, I was in bed. Or crying. Parasites in the brain keep you awake when you want to sleep. I dealt with insomnia and night terrors. It was embarrassing to wake up in the middle of the night and have to crawl into your parents bed because you were scared. Scared that you were going to die from this. Scared it was never going to end.
Oh, they just weren’t in my brain, though. I also had them in my colon my kidneys, liver, and gallbladder. I guess they kind of shifted around in my body. When one area of your body is fighting against it, they go to a place of least resistance. I’m glad they never found my heart.
I only got sick in the heart spiritually.
I had to quit my job because I was too sick, even though I was killing the bugs. I acted like it was funny how I probably contracted parasite via working with money, but during those months when I felt worthless as a human, those weeks when I couldn’t get out of bed, those days where I knew it wasn’t going to be better, I contemplated killing myself. I had no fear of dying. I knew that there was a home for me in Heaven.
But I knew better.
But I still had pain.
Trying to eat to live, and then having your body lock up and not being able to move because of pain moved me psychologically to stupid. Yeah. I admit it. Stupid. I would get soo stressed and so depressed I would try to cut myself. Not the best spiritual move ever. I will say God protected me though. Almost every time when I got to that breaking point and tried to “let it out of me” He broke the tool which I tried to use to do the damage.
Yeah. He kept me safe.
For that I’m forever thankful.
Late June, I believe, I started getting better. Signs of the parasites were getting fading. Something was still wrong though. Why was I so tired? Why was I still feeling cruddy? And WHY was in sooo much pain!?
After much testing (clinical(baaahaa! don't get me started on that!) and natural), I found out that the parasites left damage. My liver was pretty much toxed (a new word I created) out. My gallbladder was inflamed, the duct wasn’t opened all the way, and it was trying to pass stones (henceforth the pain). My thyroid was hyperactive and I had contracted a strain of Lyme’s disease. REALLY? So this meant another several weeks on my back and a new daily ritual of medication. YAY!
Well, after several months of this, I was finally done. During that time I lost about 40lbs of fat and almost 100% of my faith. No. I didn’t lose all of it, silly. But I was pretty much wasted Spiritually.
Now, this is where many start judging me. I’ve heard it all. And, sheesh, I would probably have said the same thing to myself 3 years ago when I was “going strong!”. But that’s not the case. What is the case? Well, I’ll put it as quickly and as straight as possible. I was sick. I felt alone. I was bitter at first, but when I finally realized I need to “cast all my care upon Him because He cared for me” He wasn’t there for me to cast it on Him. I prayed. He didn’t answer. I read His Word. It was dead to me. So, yeah. He wasn’t there for me.
Now, Vanessa, you KNOW that’s not true! Well, it probably isn’t, since I believe God’s Word is true, and it says “He will never leave me nor forsake me”. But at the time, it didn’t feel true, nor does it now.
This is where FAITH is key, and right now I don’t have any. It was stripped from me, or I really didn’t have enough of it.
I know. I see the title of my blog. "He Restoreth my Soul"... He will....just not yet...
I’m tired now. I think I will go to bed.
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